i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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