the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
