sorry about calling you the devil all night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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