My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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