this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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