I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
