I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
