i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
