he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
