I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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