I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
