dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I need water and some morals
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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