She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
