There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
