I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
