I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
