went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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