I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
