Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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