I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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