she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
