he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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