hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
