Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
