remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
