The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
