i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
