My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
