Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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