I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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