one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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