Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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