Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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