Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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