Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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