I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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