I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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