Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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