He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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