no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
