He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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