I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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