I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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