I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
