When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
