It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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