The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
