He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
