We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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