Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
did i just pee glitter
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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