he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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