And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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