My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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