they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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