My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
