nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
