I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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